Finally Asleep
by MsViolet85
Summary: Just a one shot looking at Alex's state of mind after her mum died and Piper left her.


**A/N**

 **Hi folks,**

 **This is just a short one shot that I couldn't get out of my head, I don't know why. It's not necessarily canon, just my take on things. Anyway, let me know what you think.**

 **Cheers.**

One shot – finally asleep

I'm sitting on the cold bathroom floor, but it doesn't even feel cold anymore. It feels familiar, almost comforting. I hate myself for so many different reasons, I figure at the very least I deserve to be cold. It's been one month. One month since my mother died, one month since Piper left. I'm surprised I even manage to keep track of time, I don't keep track of much else these days.

I know I'm no good, a fuck up, if you will. These last few years I've taken everything for granted, the money, my mum, and Piper. Fuck….Piper. I don't blame her for leaving, she deserves so much better than me, but I still love her, I still want her back every day. Even if it was just for a second, it would mean so much.

The day she left, I actually felt like I was dying, and perhaps over the last month that process of death is finally complete. I don't remember what it's like to be happy anymore, and I'm too scared to try and get back there. Sadness has become so comfortable, so familiar and normal, I'm afraid to leave it. Even though I love Piper so much, I'm not sure I could even leave my sadness behind for her. Without my mother, without Piper, all I have left to make me feel any sort of happiness is the heroin. Perhaps it's a stretch to call it happiness, but it's the furthest I can run from my sadness, and that's as close to happiness as I think I'll ever get again. I know this is all my own fault, one big self-fulfilling prophecy, but I can't stop it. Deep down inside me there has always been that self-destructive nature at my core, the possibility that one day I would be responsible for my own downfall, responsible for all my own misery. But in a way, I probably deserve it. Along the way I have fucked up so many other people's lives, been so selfish, that I deserve this misery, I should embrace it. It's all just a matter of time before it swallows me whole, so what difference does it make?

It would be so easy to take the sneaky way out, accidently take too much, or forget to slow down for that corner. Those thoughts are always in my head, but I never do it. I think deep down, I hope that one day I'll see her again, get to hold her again. No matter how bad things seemed in the past, just a hug, fingers touching my cheek, a hand running through my hair, made the worst of situations seem better. I know she deserves someone so much better than me, I'm a monumental fuck up, a selfish fuck up. I not sure I even know how to make her happy anymore when I don't even know how to be happy myself.

I get comfortable in the corner of my bathroom, well, the hotel's bathroom at least. After the funeral I couldn't bring myself to stay, the closer I was to it all, to my mother's grave, to her house, the more real her death felt. At least if I was further away, I could pretend it wasn't real. Anyway, fuck it all, all I want right now is my fix, my escape. I tie the elastic band around my arm, pulling tighter than I usually do, anything to feel something other than my own lack of emotions. I fill the needle, probably more than I need to, but it doesn't really matter anymore, it's almost a relief. All I want to do is sleep, it's the only time I feel anything close to good, anything close to normal. I've filled the needle as much as I can, and rest it on the floor next to me. Before I take this trip, I need to talk to her one more time, just one more time.

I don't know why my hands are shaking while I search for her number in my phone, it's been a long time since I dialled it. There it is, finally! I look at it for so long until it goes blurry, I don't even see it anymore. I put my phone on the floor and pick up the needle again, rolling it between my fingers. It's not even a hard choice, it will feel amazing, it will be a relief. I've been going a bit too hard lately, I take my time picking the perfect vein, the perfect spot. It's so blue, it reminds me of her, that is so fucked up. I push the needle tip in just enough, it already feels good. I let myself enjoy it for a moment before I pull back on the plunger, I see the red tinge, and I know I've hit the right spot. I push the plunger in all the way, fuck, no turning back now. I pull the needle out and put it on the ground next to me. I can already feel it, it's like a dream, a permanent dream.

I pick up my phone again, but this time I don't hesitate in pressing call. I let it ring, but it just keeps ringing, it keeps ringing until I hear her voice:

 _Hi it's Piper, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can._

I wasn't going to leave a message, but I was feeling good, I figured hey, why not:

 _Hi Pipes, it's Alex. Look, I might not get to speak to you again. I miss you, I still love you. Bye Pipes._

I still feel good but I can't stop the stinging feeling in the back of my eyes, my cheeks are wet, but it's ok. It wasn't how I wanted it to go, but voicemail was better than nothing. God it felt so good, I let my body slip down until I'm lying on the bathroom floor, it doesn't even feel cold anymore, it feels good. I close my eyes, all I want is to see Diane, but she's not there. It's ok though, it doesn't matter anymore, so long as I can sleep, it doesn't matter. I can feel myself giving into the heroin, I never get sick of it. It's all starting to fade away now, all my problems, all the tears, the uncertainty. But even right now, when I can finally sleep, I still miss her, still want her. But I know she's better off without me, I know she has a chance to be happy.

My eyes are still closed, maybe they won't open again, I'm not really sure. I think about Diane one last time before I let myself fall asleep.

 _You've reached Alex, leave your name and number and I'll call you back._

 _Hey, Al. I, I just your message. It's good to hear from you, I've been thinking about you. I thought maybe we could catch up next time you're in the states, if you want. I…I miss you Al._


End file.
